The Outrageous 19th

Time of the month!

A bit of March

As with any sports society there are many different elements to consider when joining. The constant physical exercise is just one, although with Rude Golf it can't help raising its head and becoming a dominant feature. The social aspect is another of the main reasons for belonging, the need to chew the fat and rub along with others. That's why group mastication is always a popular activity.

Curries seem to be the staple diet at Mossy Hollow at this time of year, and this has led to the creation of a new tournament - the Delhi Cup. As bad wind is a dominant feature of March it was thought that this was the obvious time to hold it.

Being able to enjoy yourself on the tee and really let one go is what its all about - we feel this competition could be a real gas. Scores will be given on strength, velocity and staying power, every motion will be judged on its own merits. Intercourse may take place before or after any movement as long as those involved have the stomach for it. Players with a bit of a loose action may well want to stay tight-lipped.

There are always those who wish to trumpet their achievements, insisting on letting you feel the back draught as they follow through and making sure they share every scrap of their innermost gut feeling.

If this kind of motion offends you, try not to let it get up your nose, just hold your breath and count to ten. Remember everybody has to drop one now and again, even Royalty.

ANNUAL CANING

The first event in the Rude Golf calendar takes place this month at the rear end . As usual the group who were thoroughly thrashed last year will have the honour. Once again it will be the judiciary team to start led by Justice Pecker out front.

It is now seven years running that they have been whipped by all participants and if they are caned again it will bring more than a red glow to their cheeks - Although it must be said that they seem to revel in this sort of public punishment.

This year there will be extra course observers to maintain strict discipline on the use of excessive strokes.

Note: The allegation that Justice Pecker was flogging a dead horse will be taken up with the rules committee.

PLAYING WITH DYKES

IS A STRONG ARM ENOUGH?

Neither ditch nor dike or scholars holes shall be counted as a hazard'. This is one of the oldest rules in Rude Golf, and shows how liberal the society has always been, but playing with a large number of dikes on the course can have an affect on the amount of balls lost.

Care has to be taken when contemplating which is the best approach, caution is the better part of valour, and if you feel the hole is right for a more orthodox entry - give it a go. Take your time; make sure you have read the lay correctly.

Generally there are two types: one is gentle, soft and accommodating; the other can be tough, harsh, and usually a bit rough. Try to work out which is in front of you before you get your shaft out.

You may find the best way up a dike is with a quicker wrist action than you are used to, therefore try a few finger exercises first, then gently rotate the wrist until it becomes more fluid. Once you get the rhythm and feel the action right up the forearm, introduce the head - now mount that mound.

Remember the less cautious could easily have their balls swallowed up and lost or spat out further down the course. As for scholar’s holes, we do have a few teachers who enjoy the thrill of playing these. Please check that the keepers deem them mature enough to play, as there can be strict penalties incurred.

DON’T FORGET….
There are only two types of dyke on a golf course, one is the type you stick your finger in and the other is the type you stick more than one of your fingers in!